What to do if being accused of Parental Alienation
As professionals who are called upon regularly by parents with concerns like this one – “My ex is accusing me of parental alienation” – we understand how significant an accusation this is and the toll the whole experience takes on the person facing this accusation.
As people who work on both sides of parental alienation matters, here we will provide you with clear information about:
- What you need to know about the accusation
- How an accusation of parental alienation may be misinterpreted
- What to do if falsely accused of parental alienation
- How to protect yourself when being accused of parental alienation
Perhaps you are restricting the communication or time spent with their other parent for reasons you believe are necessary and in the best interests of your children. What you are doing may be considered parental alienation, or it could be something else entirely.
Get clear about the accusation
Parental Alienation is a term that is often used incorrectly. It is a label that people tend to use when they think someone is deliberately and unnecessarily withholding a child/ren from them. Or, if they believe the other parent has manipulated or influenced the child/ren in some way over time that has ultimately led to their rejection or reluctance to communicate or stay with them.
What is Parental Alienation?
While there is no definition of parental alienation yet in Family Law legislation, what is considered when parents are facing accusations like these is whether there is a proper basis or reasonable explanation as to why this rejection of the other parent is occurring, or why you are withholding the child.
In this evolving area of psychology and sociology, at the date of publishing this page, parental alienation is expressed as a child’s experience of a parent or carer’s behaviours, whether they be direct or indirect, that results in an unjustified rejection of the other parent. Parental alienation is considered to cause significant emotional harm to the child as it impacts their ability to maintain a healthy relationship with a parent.
Accused of Parental Alienation? Is it something else entirely?
What your child’s other parent is labelling as parental alienation may in fact be as a result of:
- Your child expressing to you that they do not want to speak/ spend time/ stay with their other parent
- Your child finding the transition between homes difficult (anxiety through to distress)
- Your concern or fear of them being harmed in some way by the other parent (e.g. physically, emotionally or psychologically etc)
- Your child expressing a strong desire to stay with you for more time or all the time
Your child’s reluctance or rejection of their other parent is a very tricky situation to navigate, especially if you have genuine fears for their safety or their distress levels in anticipation of contact.
What is essential is to ensure you talk to a family lawyer about what is happening, and they can guide you to determine what you can do to protect your child while minimising the other potential issues that can come with an accusation of parental alienation.
If you have Parenting Orders in place, that is, Court Orders or Consent Orders that detail the care arrangements for the child/ren and decision making responsibilities of each parent, you must seek legal advice urgently to avoid contravening (breaching) those Orders. These are legally enforceable arrangements so, regardless of the circumstances, can result in a range of penalties and consequences that you don’t need to add to your plate.
To get a sense of whether any of your actions could be considered parental alienation, we recommend reflecting on whether any of the following could be contributing to this label…
Assess your position as the parent being accused of parental alienation
The first question we typically ask parents on either side of matters like these is, “Is withholding a child from communication or time with their other parent justified?”. While most parents in your situation would answer with a “Yes, it’s justified”, here’s some questions to reflect on:
- Do you ever talk about the other parent critically or sarcastically in front of your child or within earshot?
- Do you ever talk about legal issues, financial issues or other separation or custody matters in front of your child or within earshot?
- Have you ever hidden, damaged or removed photographs, letters, gifts or other items connected to their other parent?
- When your child complains about their other parent, do you reinforce those negative views?
- Have you ever deliberately delayed contact or denied time with the other parent?
- Have you ever used your child to report back to you about the other parent?
- Do you sometimes ask or encourage your child to pass on a message or updates to the other parent?
- Do you ever withhold information from the other parent about school, extra curricular activities, health information etc?
- Can you put your personal hurt or history of conflict behind you when talking about or in relation to their other parent?
- Do you allow your child to contact their other parent easily and freely while they are with you?
- Have you made a unilateral decision to suspend or stop contact at any time?
- Have you run any safety concerns by a professional to test your fears and discover what your next steps should be?
While these are just some examples that may facilitate alienation, this is not a full or complete list.
For a more in-depth explanation of what parental alienation is and related terms such as parental estrangement, parental enmeshment and parental alignment, find the link to that information for parents at the bottom of this page.
Immediate steps to take if being falsely accused of parental alienation
1. Document everything
If you are being accused of parental alienation, take a record of what occurs. If your child is refusing to visit or stay with their other parent, document what is being said by your child. We do not recommend audio recording or filming of the other parent, your children, or phone calls to prove that you are not behaving in ways that facilitate alienation.
In many states and territories of Australia it is a crime to record phone calls without someone’s consent. When we say document everything, we mean ensure you write detailed notes that are factual. Record the dates and times of the information you are entering and we will advise what else you should do, specific to your circumstances.
2. Seek expert legal advice
If you are withholding your child or your child is refusing to communicate or spend time with their other parent, you must seek legal advice to get bespoke advice about how you should manage this from a legal perspective. Our lawyers also often recommend psychologists and counsellors who have experience with clients who are experiencing what you and your child are experiencing.
3. Continue encouraging the relationship
Where it is safe to do so, continue to encourage contact between the child and their other parent. Even if it’s not in person contact, encourage phone or facetime conversations. If you are sincere about wanting to ensure your child has a healthy and secure bond with both co-parents, and the other parent presents no genuine risk to the child, this is important.
4. Get support for your child
Being open to seeking professional support for your child and encouraging their participation is important. If this matter ever ends up before the Court, you will want to have demonstrated that you are looking to support your child through what is a big shift in their relationship with the other parent.
5. Self care and support for you
Navigating all of this is incredibly stressful which is why it is important to seek professional support yourself. Even though it may seem like one extra thing that you just could not possibly fit into what is a very busy and complicated time in your life, can significantly add to the opportunity of everything settling down sooner rather than later.
How to protect yourself when being accused of parental alienation
Whether your child is expressing they do not want to see, talk, visit or stay with their other parent, or you are withholding them from a fear about their wellbeing, you must ensure you see a family lawyer to learn what your options are.
After all, the last thing you need is to be having to manage extra unwarranted legal issues because you weren’t aware of the most up to date laws and information that a family lawyer can provide.
If you are being falsely accused of engaging in alienating behaviour, contact Nicholls Anzani to explore your options and take pro-active steps to resolution on (02) 7259 4130.
Disclaimer: The information in this article is general in nature and is not a substitute for independent legal advice from a family lawyer.
This information is correct as of the date of publishing and is relevant for people in these states and territories of Australia – ACT, New South Wales, Queensland, Victoria, Tasmania, Northern Territory and South Australia.
