Father alienation: What dads facing parental alienation must know and do.
While parental alienation can occur to either a father or a mother, in our work, father alienation, a child’s rejection or refusal to see or stay with their father, is more common.
As a father you may be looking for answers to questions like these:
“What can I do if my daughter doesn’t want to see me any more?”
or,
“What can I do if my son doesn’t want to see me?”
Or more pointedly, if you suspect or believe you are being alienated you may want answers to these questions:
- What are the signs your ex is turning your child against you?
- What can a father do about parental alienation?
- What if it’s not parental alienation? What could it be?
- Is parental alienation a crime in Australia?
- Can a mother lose custody for parental alienation? Is it likely?
We answer these questions but first we must unpack exactly what parental alienation is and isn’t, and what you need to do to help correct these circumstances you are facing and begin the process of restoring the connection with your child/ren.
How can I prove parental alienation is what I’m experiencing?
Before any father can prove parental alienation, you must first ensure that you have an accurate understanding of what parental alienation is.
Often parental alienation is used broadly to describe some equally challenging scenarios where your child or children are rejecting you, or being withheld from you by their other parent.
So, before you classify what you are experiencing as a father and before any Court can help, they want to ensure that what you are experiencing is not something else that is similar in some ways to parental alienation.
What is parental alienation?
Parental alienation is when one parent is influencing or manipulating a child or children, against the other parent.
Parental alienation can be a deliberate and malicious campaign against the other parent. Conversely, it can also be facilitated by indirect or subconscious behaviours.
While parental alienation is the term that is used, alienation could be actual alienation or it could be one of three other related terms.
We’ll explain each of them briefly here:
- Parental Alignment – when a child aligns themselves with one parent over the other. This may be a deliberate campaign by one parent to create a divide between their child and the other parent. It may also be a natural alignment for the child, especially if they are older. Parental alignment should really be the umbrella term for parental estrangement, parental enmeshment and parental alienation.
- Parental Estrangement – a child’s resistance to or rejection of one parent due to their direct experience of that parent’s relatively insensitive, unresponsive, or inappropriate parenting behaviours, including acts of family violence.
- Parental Enmeshment – a corruption of roles and boundaries between the child and one parent. E.g. the child is enlisted as one parent’s ally or caregiver.
- Parental Alienation – a child’s experience of parent A’s negative emotions, words or behaviours (conscious or subconsciously) regarding parent B, such that the child resists or rejects contact with parent B without reasonable cause.
What if it’s not parental alienation?
In situations when fathers come to us concerned about alienation from their children, the first thing we ask them and ourselves is as follows:
“Is there a proper basis or a reasonable explanation as to why the other parent is not allowing you to communicate or spend time with your child?”
What is important to discern is whether the reason for the child wanting to stay with their other parent is something like one parent lives closer to where the child’s friends live, and they want to spend time with them after school or on weekends.
If the parent who is preventing the relationship actually has a legitimate reason to suspect that the child is at some sort of harm when in your care and they are withholding on that basis, then it would not be considered parental alienation.
What one parent sees as a legitimate or illegitimate reason is often the point of contention, so seeking advice from a family lawyer who has deep experience in matters of parental alienation is essential.
Signs your ex is turning your child against you
While this is not an exhaustive list, below are some examples of behaviours that contribute to and facilitate parental alienation.
These behaviours may be:
- Deliberate & conscious; &/or
- Indirect &/or subconscious behaviours
Examples of behaviours facilitating parental alienation:
- Withholding children from spending time with their father (where there is no safety risk)
- Withholding children from communicating with their father
- Implicating the dad in scenarios where there is an element of truth. For example:
“Dad took the iPad away not because you were naughty but because he wanted to upset you.”
“I would take you to Disneyland, but dad won’t sign your passport.”
“I would let you but Dad has said you can’t because of xyz reasons.”
- Weaponising the family violence and apprehended domestic violence process. That is, providing false testimony to get an FVO (Family Violence Order) or ADVO (Apprehended Domestic Violence Order) for the child to create a physical distance between a father and child.
- Sharing false narratives or exaggerated scenarios based on the past, with the child about their father
- Talking about a father poorly within earshot of the child
- Expressing disappointment or distress when the child leaves to see their father
- Withdrawing affection after they return from time with their father
- Interrupting calls or discouraging them between a father and child
- Framing the father as less competent or unpredictable
In our experience, another thing we often hear from dads is that the alienating parent often wants to involve third parties. Those third parties have a view of you and the other parent is impressing upon the child and those third parties to believe what she is saying.
This tends to occur at the children’s school and to medical professionals who, when the father calls or visits, say to him, “Oh sorry. We can’t talk to you.”
When we get proceedings on foot, meaning we make applications to the Court based on what we advise is the best course of action, we can seek to source evidence of that.
The other parent can also often be publicising through social media what a terrible person the father is, which is visible to others in their networks, including those of their children.
What is difficult about most of these behaviours is that they distort a child’s perception of their father over time, create loyalty conflicts and impact the father-child bond.
The alienating parent
The alienating parent is the parent accused of being responsible for their child/childrens’ rejection of their other parent.
The alienated parent
The alienated parent is the parent who is being rejected by their child or children, as a result of conscious or subconscious influence &/or manipulation of the other parent.
What is clear is that parental alienation is often difficult to ascertain because much of the alienating behaviours or actions are done out of view of the father, the impacts are emotionally and psychologically damaging for the child.
Is parental alienation a crime in Australia?
In Australia, parental alienation is a term that does not appear in Family Law legislation, however that is where matters of parental alienation may be able to be addressed, due to “the best interest of children” being of paramount consideration.
Parental alienation is not currently classified as a criminal offence or domestic violence offence. However, it does border on coercive control.
Coercive control became a criminal offence in 2024 in New South Wales. While it is also a crime in Queensland and South Australia, in the ACT it is not yet a crime however it will become a criminal offence mid-2026.
However, given that in NSW the legislation does not extend to family members, only current or past intimate partners, there is currently no criminal course of action; however within the Family Court system, there are actions that can be taken.
There are two main pathways in which we help with father alienation matters:
- We liaise with the other parent to resolve the issues by Agreement (which will often involve some kind of therapeutic process at the same time).
- Make an Urgent Application for Court proceedings so that Parenting Orders can be made on an interlocutory (short-term, temporary) basis for children to start spending time with you, until Final Orders – either by consent between parents or a decision made by the Court – are made.
What is important to mention here is that unless there is evidence of violence against the children, this process can take some time. So, getting the process started early is essential.
Can a mother lose custody for parental alienation?
If it can be proven that your child’s mother has contributed to the denigration of your relationship with your child, losing custody of them may well be the outcome and it is more common than most people are aware.
That being said, taking action early as the parent who is alienated is important. Because, if it is determined that the parental alienation has been profoundly significant, such as the child having sustained severe psychological manipulation, reuniting with children may need to be done over time to ensure the children’s psychological and emotional state is protected.
In a landmark case here in Australia, a worst-case scenario for the alienated parent, the reunification of the parent and children was determined to be unviable, such was the impact on the children.
While in that case the alienated parent was the mother, the lesson for any father facing either a severance in relationship with their child, or that you suspect that parental alienation may be progressing, timing is everything.
What can a father do about parental alienation?
Where parents go wrong is by using the word parental alienation, without certainty, which can only be determined by the Court, if at all. Sometimes there may not be enough evidence to substantiate parental alienation even if the Court requests assessments or a Family Report.
Labelling what you’re experiencing as parental alienation is less important as the outcome of being able to stop the process and restore your relationship with your child/ren.
The approach with the Court must be through the presentation of facts, with evidence that is acceptable by the Court, and ask them to come to a conclusion that is in the best interests of the child/ren.
If you believe you are being alienated from your child or children, or you are unsure about your concerns, raise them early with an experienced family lawyer who regularly provides advice to parents like you.
When you seek early advice, we can provide guidance as to what options may be available. We often also provide advice on support services as you navigate this process. Often, the longer parental alienation goes on without the right type of intervention for your child’s safety, the harder it will be for both your child and yourself.
We provide advice about what you may need to collate in terms of evidence, including what will and will not be accepted by the Court.
Getting the wheels in motion to restore your relationship with your child starts with accurate and up to date advice from a family lawyer. Hesitating on seeking advice early is often what undoes cases like these, or leads to more drawn out and devastating outcomes for families.
Whether you are concerned about parental alienation between you and your child, contact Nicholls Anzani to explore your options and take pro-active steps to resolution on (02) 7259 4130.
